highly sensitive information

So recently, I was reading the December issue of Marie Claire before I went to bed when I came across this fascinating article: Are You Too Sensitive? I took the accompanying quiz, which asks you to answer True or False to a series of questions. The more Trues, the more likely that you are what the article's expert calls a "Highly Sensitive Personality," or HSP for short.

I answered True for 21 of the questions.

I don't know, maybe some of you out there are nodding your heads and going, "We could've told you that without some stupid quiz" but honestly, I was a little bit surprised. I thought I had my various neuroses pretty well under control! But in thinking about it more, I guess I do exhibit a number of the HSP signs, and some of it actually does explain my rather extensive collection of fears. Some examples:

- I get really tense if people around me are angry or upset or talking loudly. Political shows on TV and the radio are the worst, because I usually don't even know why they're so angry.

- I avoid eating with people I don't know very well at all costs. Part of it is b/c I eat really slowly and I don't want to be judged, but the other part is having to make small talk.

- The three seconds before I get to my desk are always nerve-wracking, b/c I have to ready myself to say good morning to my new cubicle neighbor. Then, right before I leave, I fret about having to say have a nice evening. I don't know why. He moved in like a month ago. You'd think I'd be better about it by now.

And I don't know if this really has anything to do with HSP, but, as you probably know, I am Queen Grudgeholder of All the Land. Not with people I like; I forgive my friends easily. But I am definitely one of those people who you don't want as an ex with a score to settle (ex-girlfriend, ex-friend, ex-girlfriend's friend). I am an angsty writer, after all, which means I basically have no scruples when it comes to pulling real-life events into my writing (read: ranting online).

I was thinking about this when Facebook so kindly revealed that an ex-boyfriend was now in a relationship with a girl he'd long denied being in a relationship with. (Ugh, prepositions. Hate them. Can't figure out right now how to end that sentence properly. But I digress.) Our whole dating nonsense was over a few years ago anyhow, so normally this wouldn't be a big deal except I'd suspected them of having a thing going on while he and I were still dating. But I didn't want to be the nagging girlfriend, and b/c I'm generally pretty lenient/borderline doormat with the people I love, I let it slide.

Of course, he denied it. A few months after our break-up, my intuition told me that they were seeing each other. He denied it. She denied it. But that suspicion persisted, esp when he spent holidays at her house, esp since she basically moved in with him, esp when there were photo albums of their coupliness, etc. For years, they both straight-up denied it everyone, even to his roommate. He told our mutual friends he didn't like her at all; he said he didn't find her attractive; he even called me paranoid for asking him about it. But most of all, he refused to apologize.

WELL.They've apparently made it Facebook official, so who's paranoid now?! Vindication is sweet. I love being right.

Here's the thing: it's not like I spend all my time being vengeful or whatever; it just pops up when some reminder of it re-surfaces. And trust me, I don't take any pleasure in holding grudges b/c it makes me feel incredibly guilty that I'm not able to forgive someone. Yeah, sure, I joke about it, but it really is something that I work on. This ex-boyfriend thing is just the most current example; there are a couple more, some from much farther back, some that only concern me indirectly (such someone hurting a close friend). But if I feel that someone has wronged me/someone I care about, it's hard for me to really and truly "get over it" until that person acknowledges what they've done.

Is this me being too sensitive? Or is this something that everyone goes through? Also, you think HSP is real, or do you think it's just a bunch of psychology-jargon to legitimize emotionally sensitive or, yes, possibly paranoid people?

exes and oh's

B mentioned one time that the smell of Peppermint Patties made her think of her mom. For some reason, that really stuck with me. Now, just thinking about Peppermint Patties makes me think of B! It's odd, these memory-association-type-things.

Anyway, that was a just a random thought. I miss my VA fam. Only 2.5 more weeks til C's wedding!

So here's a question: Is it okay for a friend to date your ex? A couple weeks ago, this CNN article asked that very question. I'm actually not super fond of the article, but I think it's a legit topic to explore. The author seems to conclude that it's okay as long as a simple conversation takes place between both parties to kind of stave off the inevitable awkwardness that will occur. But in an age of Facebook with all its pictures and suffocating networks of friends, that simple conversation rarely takes place. Most of us found out via Newsfeed if an ex is seeing a friend. Even if they've decided to be coy about it and leave their relationship status blank, it takes about 15 seconds to look at someone's pictures, read the comments and wallposts, and figure out the truth for yourself. We're all experienced FB stalkers here. Where is the common courtesy to even just say, "Hey listen, I'm dating your ex. I'll probably keep dating him no matter what you say, but hey, just wanted to let you know." How hard is that?

Should a friend date your ex? It sounds simple, but it's a loaded question that I think many of us struggle to answer. A lot of factors come into play. For one thing, how long were you and said ex dating? How close are you with your ex's new fling? How long was the break-up before the ex and your friend got together? Was your break-up amicable or was it like something out of the opening scene in Legally Blonde where that guy dumps Reese Witherspoon in the middle of a nice restaurant? (Ahem, I may or may not have recently caught that movie on TV. I also may or may not have shouted at the TV when it happened...you may have noticed that I harbor pretty strong opinions about guys who act like self-loving, smarmy, smug narcissists.)

But, most importantly, is your ex an honest gentleman-type with a healthy sense of shame? Or is he a weasel-y, lying sack of Class-A douchebaggery? (Or is "bag" too small and mild a term for what kind of jerk he was? Was he more of a douchechasm, or perhaps a douchecanyon? Douchecrater?)

And how long can you hang onto resentment for ex & his/her new fling before it gets to an unhealthy point? Conversely: is there such a thing as unhealthy resentment for an ex and any of his various bed-tramps? (Note: I realized "bed-tramps" is a bit of a harsh term, esp b/c most of those girls are perfectly nice people. But doesn't it just sound like the perfect insult? Bed-tramps!)

There's a lot to be said for honesty. I often think that a lot of these tricky relationship/ex-relationship problems can be worked through if only both parties were honest and tactful...but always easier said than done, right?

I'd love to hear some of your opinions on this topic!

girls = confusing

In the last few months, Tyler and I have been making an effort to become more a part of the Evanston community. This mostly means that he has joined a church, and I can recognize several of the PACE bus drivers. Not exactly thrilling stuf.

Anyway, we signed up to do this once-a-week class at Sheil called "Sex and the City of God." Of the dozen or so students, we are the only ones 1. graduated and 2. do not live in dorms. It's definitely been kind of a weird throw-back. I feel so far removed from campus/dorm life!

This week, we talked about intimacy, dating and the hook-up culture. Basically, it kind of boiled down to this: hooking up is super easy, and no one knows what dating is anymore. This one guy literally just said, "Girls, please, just tell me. What do you consider to be a 'date'? I thought I was dating this girl for like, weeks, until I realized that she didn't consider any of the things we did to be dates." It turned into a spirited conversation about dating and how blurred the lines were. Even the tradition dinner-movie-awkward triangle hug at the end of the night (shoulders in, butt out) could be construed a casual night out between platonic friends. Dating nowadays is such a grey area to navigate, it almost makes you long for the structured courtship of times past. Consider:

Dating today
Guy [via phone]: Hey, would you like to get dinner with me on Friday?
Girl: Yeah, sure.
Guy: Great. I'll come pick you up at 7.
Girl: Picking me up to go where? The cafeteria?
Guy: Oh...um. [awkward silence] I thought we could go somewhere else.
Girl: What do you mean?
Guy: Oh...I just thought we could go somewhere else.
Girl: Yeah, that sounds fun. Let me ask John, Jacob, Mary and Stu if they want to come, too!
Guy: Okay. [heart crushed]

Was it clear that he asking her out?? Who knows???

Dating in Times Past
Guy [after waiting in the calling room]: Hello! Can I take you out for a drive?
Girl: I appreciate the gesture, but I'm not interested.
Guy: Right. [leaves]

See how much more clear and helpful if everyone followed some sort of guide? Alas, it is not to be. At the end of our discussion, I saw that Tyler had written on his notepad in giant, loopy letters: "Girls = CONFUSING".

As the class wound down, our instructor, Beth, said something that's stuck with me: intimacy in a relationship is when your proximity becomes liberating. When being close to someone makes you feel more free, more like you can be yourself. Sharing physical and emotional space with someone doesn't mean you have to feel caged in or unrestricted or having to be less of who you are. It was an interesting message to leave with.

After class, Tyler took me home. A couple of odd topics had come up through the course of the evening, and kind of weighed heavily on my mind. You know, all those things about yourself that you don't want your partner to find out about? It's kind of like the emotional equivalent of having/trying to quit a coke habit w/o your partner realizing that he's dating a psycho. Prompted by Beth's description of intimacy, I emotions-vomited into the dashboard of Tyler's car. Flaws, shortcomings, wishing ill on people--things I never thought I'd confess to another person, b/c I was too ashamed to even want to acknowledge them to myself.

"You must think I'm crazy, that you're with this crazy person," I said afterwards, sniffling awkwardly into his shoulder.

"Oh, you," he said, patting me on the back. "Trust me, that's not why I think you're crazy."

And you know, it's weird...but it really did feel liberating.