Non-Fattie Day 3

One of my Medill friends posted this USA Today story on Twitter today about the extreme dieting that goes on in Asia. Girls swallowing parasites and living on the edge of starvation, all trying to hit the magic number: 100. That's 100 pounds, regardless of height.

If you're an Asian girl, or have close friends who are Asian girls, this is hardly news. Of course you're trying to be thin. All your Asian girl friends want to be thin--or are thin and want to be thinner. Your mothers are trying to be thin. Your aunties are. So you have to be, too, not only because you want to look good, but simply out of self-preservation: there is nothing quite so passive-aggressive as family get-togethers when it comes to criticizing the weight of the younger generation. I can't tell you how many times growing up where aunties and uncles would come up to me (or worse, my mom) and say, "Chubby-chubby, huh? What's your mom feeding you at home?" Sometimes other aunties/uncles would come to my "defense," saying things like, "Aiya! Leave her alone! Just you wait 'til she gets a boyfriend, then she'll care about how she looks." I once thought an auntie was leaning in for a hug, when really she wanted to pinch the fat around my middle to see if I'd gained weight.

And these are people who care about me and truly meant well. (Well, except for the aunt who once told me that I'd be fat if I ate dessert after dinner. I responded by eating a whole slice of chocolate cake. It was awesome. Both the cake and her horrified expression.) Wanting to be thin is just...kind of how it goes, I think, not only in the Asian community but in American, as well. Asian girls maybe got a bit of a head start, and also don't have boobs and butts to contend with during the whole process. I spent a lot of my childhood obsessing over the numbers, crying over the numbers, wishing and praying for the numbers to shrink. I used to do room scans in elementary school: Am I the fattest girl in this room? Am I bigger than her? How about her? Okay, okay, but at least I'm not bigger than the teacher. Right? Right??

Apparently, that's not healthy. It's been a long time since I've really obsessed over weight--the latter years of high school and college were fairly stable, and I was too busy with school and CSO to worry about it anyway. And what a great feeling that was! To just eat anything, at any time, without calculating what it's going to cost you later on. Or even just trying on last year's summer clothes at the end of winter and finding that your shorts still fit. (That's a feeling that I will never take for granted--there is nothing like the giddy excitement of zipping up shorts after 6 months of cold-weather binge-eating!)

But it's so scary how quickly that obsessive mindset come back and take hold. After seeing my new weight number on Saturday, the panic and anxiety creeped in within hours. Just in the last 3 days, I've thought about buying a scale at least 30 times. I ate an Oreo after dinner last night and felt inexplicably guilty about it. I mean, it's ridiculous, right? Ridiculous.

After reading the article, a part of me is like "These girls are crazy," but the other part is like "Yes, of course." No matter how long I'd been able to walk away from constant worrying about my weight, that huge fear comes back so quickly if I crack even just a little. The concept of dieting to be thin is rooted so deeply, I don't know if it's possible to ever really break free of it.

Case in point: I told my mom about my new weight and she responded with bemused horror ("Hahaha! What?! How did you get that big??") and then advised me to eat steamed pumpkin slices b/c it's low in calories but high in fiber--and it's important to eat it with the peel still on. She heard about it on an Asian TV show.

March Madnesses

I know I said in my last post (um, like a month and a half ago) that I would talk more about my fears. The topic of this post is not exactly about fears, but is closely related enough.

But to bring you up to date: outside of work and commute, it's been a busy month, a veritable March of Family/Friends. I'd really missed my VA folks so much, and it was so, so good to see so many familiar faces in my newly adopted city two weekends in a row. Then it was Tyler's turn to have family and friends in town, so we've just been busy entertaining and eating...and eating...and eating,.

Yesterday I went to the doctor's to get a physical under my brand new health care plan and got my 10-year tetanus shot. How's that for perspective? It's been TEN YEARS since I got my last one before I entered high school. Um, high school was ten years ago?!?! What the eff happened to all this time?? I felt so old. For all you almost-24-year-olds out there, the tetanus shot hurts like a sadistic mofo (yes ladies, it hurts more than the HPV shot). My arm is still really sore and I had a pretty wicked headache yesterday from the shot--1 in 300 adults get headaches from tetanus shots. Lucky me!

So why does all of this relate to fear? Well, it's b/c I also discovered that I had gained 7 pounds since September. Does the March of Family/Friends & Gino's East deep dish pizza have something to do with this? Perhaps. What about the fact that I now live in Chicago, where it's 8 months of winter, 3.5 months of fall, and 2 weeks of spring/summer? I wear longs jeans and sweaters for about 10 months of the year. I'm not even sure where my bathing suit is. But fact of the matter is, probably wouldn't hurt to eat a little bit healthier, esp with Colette's wedding coming up in May. I definitely want to fit into my bridesmaid dress!

Also I watched an episode of "Kendra" (yeah whatever, judge me) and she was crying b/c she just had a baby and she is struggling with the baby weight and not liking how she looked in her clothes. My heart totally went out to her, and I was like, "I might not have a personal trainer, but gosh darn it, I can eat better at least!"

So yesterday, Tyler and I designated it "Last Fattie Day for a While"--b/c we love meats and cheeses, and I know I would get super depressed if I had to give up pastas and stuf. We indulged in dim sum in Chinatown with some Medill lovelies, and then gorged on The Meats pizza and cheesy bread from Papa John's. I went to the store today and bought some salad and assorted vegetables and yogurt. And a pint of chocolate ice cream. Because yes, I'm going to eat healthy, but I'm not going to be crazy about it! Girl needs her Haagan Daaz.