Most of the time, I know who I am.
I'm Vicky. I like to write. I also like to draw, and I really miss painting. Sometimes I like to do a crossword on the train, but most of the time I just like to look out the window. I'm getting pretty good at InDesign.
And I'm Asian. Well, Asian-American, to be exact. But sometimes more Asian, and sometimes more American. Cliche, yes. But easy? No.
Lately, I feel like I've been more and more American.
My boyfriend doesn't think that it's a bad thing. But then again, I think he has the luxury of never having to question what American means. It's just what he is, all that he's known. It's not something that's even on his radar. But I think it's an issue that's figuring very predominantly in my life, and is something that many second-generation kids struggle with. I have no easy answer for it. I don't even know how to explain why bothers me.
Why does it matter?
Why do I feel uneasy about my assimilation? It's only natural...isn't it?
Should I just accept that I'll probably eventually lose my Chinese heritage because I'm in this new country? And is this a bad thing, or just a given?
Why don't my parents try harder to learn English, or I to learn Chinese?
Why does it matter??
Here in Chicago, I feel like I'm slowly losing pieces of who I am, or maybe just who I thought I was. Maybe I was too comfortable with my W&M family--that congenial mix of Americans and second-generation kids and Third Culture kids and international students and people who didn't really belong to any label but still kind of cared about where they fit in the global puzzle. People who've struggled with pairing nationality with identity, their faces with their hearts. Some have it resolved, tied up in a bag, happy to go along their way. Some continue to search, and will probably produce wonderful things out of that effort. Most, I think, cared about it sometimes, but didn't really think about it most of the time. That's where I'm at usually--more or less content.
Right now, I'm the only Asian person in my newsroom, the next closest Asian person being my good friend, Anna, who did a Fulbright in Malaysia. Normally it's fine--I love most of my classmates, and a couple of us have gotten really close. But still, there was sort of a rift that only I could feel, something that I could never really bridge because of my background. I couldn't relate to them on some level because of my experiences, and vice versa. Which is probably normal, but it was something that they could only try to understand, but would never really be able to empathize. Sometimes, I just felt so terribly...Asian.
So then on 10/10 (Double Ten Day), the Taiwanese kids had a little celebration in the lounge of my apartment complex. I decided to attend--I did love the Asian community at W&M, after all. I walked in, and felt overwhelmed by how alien I felt to be in that room full of chattering students--people around own age, of similar coloring and stature. I literally froze with fear, because I didn't know what to say to them (way to go, communications major...). I pretended to look at a list of email addresses on the sign-in sheet (I wasn't on it), and then picked up a plastic Taiwanese flag and fled. I felt so terribly...American.
I know what you're thinking. "Way to be melodramatic," or maybe even "Okay, Ms. Angsty-Emo-Middle-Schooler, just go out and make some friends already." It's not that easy! Assimilation is not that easy! It's like...okay, it's like religion. Religion plays a huge role in some people's lives, it shapes your views of the world and how you see yourself. I feel like my culture played that same role. And when that huge force seems to be slipping away...what does that mean for the rest of me? For my POV? Am I betraying myself somehow, by denouncing the very thing that really made me who I am today? But, as my boyfriend likes to say, being Italian-Catholic or Polish-Catholic doesn't make you any less of a Catholic. No matter where you end up going or living, that core force will stay the same. But when your core force is culture, and that's so readily lost through assimilation (it's encouraged, even!)...what takes its place? Who are you, if the very thing that shaped you, is somehow lost?
I think I just really miss just being around people who know what I mean when I say "I think I'm losing my heritage" and understanding why it's a big deal, even if I can't really articulate it. I miss people who can just nod, empathize, and just leave it at that, both of us knowing that some sort of understanding was just shared between us, something that I didn't have to explain and they didn't have to respond to. And maybe then we'll all go and eat some ramen, with eggs. Or maybe have a huge honkin' burger. And that'll be it.
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2 comments:
i think you've definitely hit it harder, now that you don't live at home. it makes me a tad fearful- what will i keep a balance between american and chinese when i grow up(ha ha)? what about when i marry? or have kids? zomg.
most of the time i'm american. when i hang out with friends (all who live in america) that's who we are, no matter what additional nationality we hold. I take being chinese for granted.
and yet when I have to ponder about the future, I LOVE being Chinese. That surprised me! I LOVE talking to our aiyees and shushus in chinese, i love our get-togethers where we will always be at the children's table and get to grab food first. in a surprisingly filial-pious culture, our parents let us grab food first :p i love our second generationness (or actually.. we're first generation, aren't we?) with funny stories about how our parents spell "purple" or comment on popular culture. How our parents are different, which made us the way we are.
ho hummmmmmmmm, bicky!
I definitely need to call you sometime (and actually deliver that promise) after reading this blog entry. There was a quote that Stacey Eunnae showed me that it doesn't matter if the way you live life is Asian or American, the simple fact that you ARE an Asian-American means that your life will inherently be Asian-American, no matter how you live it.
I take comfort in those words because it takes power away from the insidious insults of "You're too Asian" or "You're too white" as well as not being overly critical of other fellow Asians for not understanding where their racial heritage comes from.
At this point in my life, I really don't know anything about my Korean heritage except some cultural etiquette, the food, and the late night entertainments that statistically many people of Korean descent enjoy. So one of my goals in my life is to attempt to recover that aspect of me but to be honest, it's not that high on my priority list. I think my concern seems to be with the entire Asian diaspora itself and that seems to be what my entire passion seems to be about. At some point, I will have to delve into each and every dynamic culture and that WILL mean I have to truly understand my own blood background and not glaze over it.
For where you are now, as you said, a lot has to do with where you are and the people that you are with. And also importantly, who you choose to be romantically involved with. In these matters, it is always helpful to remind yourself that in the end, we're all confused people and it doesn't matter what the color of the wrapping paper is :D
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