questions from our readers

Happy 10/10/10 day, everyone! For some reason it feels really satisfying to write that. 10/10/10. It's also the birthday of one of my favorite friends, which makes it just that much better.

Because a writer without an audience is, basically, a sad and lonely diary-keeper, today's post will be dedicated to answering questions from the loyal and awesome readers who keep my self-esteem afloat in the sludgy sea that is journalistic rejection. You have no idea how much the six of you mean to me.

So without further ado, let's begin the inaugural edition of Questions From Our Readers.

Vicky, why do you write so much about stuf that annoy you? Don't you like anything at all?

Why yes, dear Reader, there are many things that I like. I like the fine selection of brunch locales in Chicago. I like the convenience of public transportation. I like frozen yogurt/soft serve in all its incarnations, from Red Mango to Rita's Water Ice. I like wearing pajama pants in the middle of the day, catching up with old friends, and making slow-cook foods like chili and spaghetti sauce. See? There are lots of things that I like.

Okay. But why do you have such disdain for fake international students?

Because they suck.

What?

Sorry. I got a little emotional. Here's the thing: real international kids are, generally, really cool. Several of my favorite people in the whole world are/were international kids. So I can see why some people want to act they are, even though, really, all they did was go to some fancy international boarding school...in Vermont. Here's a sample conversation to show what I mean:

Person: So where are you from?
Me: Virginia. You?
Person: Well, my mom is British and my dad is French. So I'm pretty international.
Me: Wow. That's really cool. Did you grow up in England or in France?
Person: Well, I went to a boarding school in New England.
Me: Oh, gotcha. That must've been hard. Do you ever go to England or France?
Person: Just England sometimes. My mom's from Manchester and my dad's from Louisiana.
Me: Oh, so he came to Louisiana from France?
Person: Well, one of my ancestors did, in like the 1700s.
Me: ...So...what you're saying is, you're half-British and half-American.
Person [getting annoyed]: Didn't you hear anything I said? My dad's from Louisiana.
Me: ...Right. Which is in...the US.
Person [defensively]: Look, Louisiana is basically France.

Call me stupid b/c I didn't have a fancy international boarding school education, but I'm fairly certain that it's been a while since Louisiana was a part of France. It's weird, but I've met an inordinate number of people who have one parent from Louisiana and claim partial French citizenship. It's one of the most maddening and illogical things ever. Maybe it's not considered "cool" or "hip" in the international circles to be part American, but uh, suck it up.

Who do you think should win the next Nobel Peace Prize?

Without a doubt, the team behind Procter and Gamble's Swiffer series. It's completely revolutionized cleaning! They took the need for cleanliness, combined it with human laziness/aversion to cleaning, and built an empire. I want my apartment to be clean, but I'm not about to be hauling around a mop and a bucket. The Swiffer WetJet (a kindly donation from David) minimizes cleaning time and yet maximizes cleanliness. What is not to like? It's genius. GENIUS.

Speaking of cleanliness, why do you clean so much? I mean, you have a 3-step process just to clean your floors: sweeping with normal broom, then Swiffer Sweeper, then Swiffer WetJet. And, if you're feeling particularly germaphobic, you'll go over that with some multi-purpose cleaner. Don't you think that's a bit of an overkill?

Well, you know what they say: cleanliness is next to godliness. This because a dirty home would literally drive me insane and to commit random acts of senseless violence--not very godly, you know. So it's important to be clean. I live in a 100+ year-old building where railroad grime coats the window panes and the dust of pioneers is coughed up from the floorboards with every creaky step. And given that my immediate space has been inhabited by approximately 19454328 anonymous people of unknown lifestyle practices over the years, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to sanitize it much as I can. Basically, the only thing standing between me and a rage blackout is a clean apartment.

Well, there you have it, Readers, the first edition of Questions! If there's anything that you want to know, just leave a comment or send me an email, and I'll try to include it in the next edition.