ridiculous row

I was trying to get to sleep around 1am this morning when a man and a woman got into a loud, obnoxious fight outside my building. I didn't meant to eavesdrop, but they argued so loudly and for so long, I couldn't help but overhear the whole thing. I even got up and peeked out at them from between the blinds in case they got into a physical fight and I needed to call the police. The man seemed to be a middle-aged, thin black man in a dark jacket with the hood up. The woman looked to be younger, in-between normal-sized and plump. She was pale and wore her hair in a short bob, had greenish pants and was swinging around a plastic bag filled with something round. She kept running after him as he paced up and down the block (and also around and around a minivan parked across the street), all the time screaming loud enough that I'm pretty sure the entire 1300 block of Chicago Ave heard their conversation, which went something like this:

Man: Get away from me, you hooker! That was the last time I'm gonna to be tricked by an underage woman!
Woman: Baby, please, listen to me! I didn't mean to lie, I'm not a liar!
Man: I don't want nothing to do with you, you red-haired pixie! I am going home to my family and I don't care what the fuck happens to you!
Woman: What about all that stuff you said about loving me?!
Man: What stuff? I don't even know you! You lied to me! Stay away from me!
Woman: But I have no place to go tonight, please don't leave me here! I am begging you, please! Take me with you!
Man: Hell no! I am going home! To my family! I want nothing to do with you!
Woman [frantic]: Don't leave me! Please, don't leave me here!
Man: I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
Woman: Where am I going to go? I have nowhere to go!
Man [emphatically]: You are a hooker, and I'm not going to jail again.

I cannot even make this stuff up.