queen of the conversation stopper

I was a pretty shy kid growing up, so I've always felt a bit awkward around people. I especially hate networking and all the BS small-talk chit-chat nice-nice convos you have to do with people you don't know. So I guess it's sort of masochistic to choose to do journalism, as so much of it is going up to strangers and trying to nice-nice them into answering probing questions.

This dislike of superficial schmoozing is augmented by my tendency to word-vomit when I get nervous. My discretion goes entirely out the window, and I am no longer able to judge what is funny and what is inappropriate. I once told a VP at our company that he looked as fresh as a peppermint in his pink-striped shirt, after which he said he was going to report me for harassment. (Haven't heard from HR, so can only assume he changed his mind.)

Also, my grasp on discretion is a bit on the weak side as it is, so...fun times ahead in life, I'm sure.

So this post is dedicated to the conversation stoppers of 2011, thus far, that haunt me when I'm trying to fall asleep at night.

Convo stopper #1:
It was during a Lenten Friday, and we were at Sheil's weekly fish fry. Tons of fried fish and shrimp and coleslaw at suggested donation of $3? YES PLEASE. The only thing is, after everyone's gotten their food (and Tyler has destroyed a small community of shrimp), they do these little reflection times and people come up and talk, and sometimes there is music and so forth. Well, on this particular Friday, it was the birthday of one of the NU students, so we all sang happy birthday to her. I've never spoken to her before, but I recognized her as one of the regular readers.

As we were leaving, she was entering through the door that we were exiting out of. Since it was her birthday, I blurted out, very brightly, "Happy birthday!!!!!"

She gave me a startled look and said, and I quote, "Uhhh," before hurriedly rushing past us with this look on her face like I had just propositioned her or something. It was incredibly awkward, but Tyler managed to keep his laughter in until after we'd gone outside.

And since she's a church regular, I keep seeing her at Mass and consequent fish fries. Ughgghghg avoidance strategies are a go!

Convo stopper #2:
Seeing a number of people in ties rushing up and down the stairs at work. Very peculiar. In the coffee room, I ask one of the HR ladies what was going on, if there was a big meeting today or something that I had forgotten about.

HR Lady: Big meeting? No, I think they're just here to do inspections.
Me: Oh, okay. Well, I guess I better be on my best behavior then! Ha ha!
HR Lady: ...Okay! [quickly leaves]

I work with her a lot, and we take yoga class together. No avoidance possible with this one.

Convo stopper #3:
Me: [pulls up pant leg, genuinely thinking he'd be intrigued] Tyler, check out my bruise.
Tyler: Ew, what's wrong with your leg? What did you do?
Me: I think it's from the top of my sock. I had to wear sort of tight socks today b/c it was raining and I was wearing my galoshes. So then I got these marks from it, and I guess it bruised.
Tyler: ...I don't want you to carry my children anymore.
Me: Wait, what?
Tyler: Uhhh do you think I want to tell people "My girlfriend gets bruises from the elastic band on her sock"?? What's wrong with you???