choosing one master to serve

I don't often do this, but the timing of these events can't ignored.

I think God is sending me a message.

In the last few weeks, I've fretted a lot about work and my career progression. I like working at my present company very much, but I can't ignore the fact that I am the subordinate person in a two-person department. I look around and it just seems like I have nowhere to go. Sometimes it feels like everyone else is moving along quicker and further than I am on their careers, whether it's at a magazine company, a financial corporation or the federal government. I know a number of people younger than me who are rapidly rising through their company, making twice as much as me and traveling to exotic locales on their company's dime. They're adding stamps to their passport, buying their first home and laying down the foundations for a real adult life. I can only dream of a day where I can buy a house with stairs that I don't have to share with 24 other units. I think it'd be really nice to have my own stairs in a little two-story home.

So I'm not proud of this, but I can't help but be jealous, be a little bitter. I'm jealous that they are on their way in their career, that they have such a clear path ahead of them while I'm floundering here, trying to figure out what it is that I even want to do. I'm bitter that I will probably never make that much money even though I have a master's degree from a top-ranked school and they "only" hold a bachelor's in business and/or have well-placed parents.

And here's the thing: I don't even want their life. Not even a little bit at all. I have no interest in finance or international business or working for the government. I have no desire to work 70 hours a week, where the most I see of my family are in the pictures I keep on my desk or wallet. And I love being with my Gentleman Companion (as H so fondly calls hers) enough that foreign ports don't quite hold the same allure if he can't be there with me. And my parents raised me to be frugal, so I don't even know what I'd do if my income doubled overnight. Honestly, I would probably feel too guilty to spend it.

I had shared some of these thoughts to Tyler as we drove down to Danville on Saturday night. I worried, I fretted, I wondered if me trying to control all these things was contributing to my unhappiness. I even wondered if I should just leave it up to God. Tyler was as supportive as always, but had no answers for me. He has his own set of burdens and worries; this was mine alone.

When we went to church on Sunday, this was the Holy Gospel:

Matthew 6:24-34

Jesus said to his disciples: No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes?

Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’or ‘What are we to wear?’ All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.

The Danville priest talked about money and jobs and material goods. He said he spent hours researching the new iPhone and was so frustrated when the launch date kept getting delayed. It was important to him to stay on the cutting edge of technology. "Then I realized: I can't serve God and Verizon," he said. Isn't that the truth.

And here's the other thing: normally, we'd be in Lent right now and would be using different gospels. That means that this particular gospel only comes up every few years. What incredible timing is this, that these words would come just as I was struggling with all these worries and fears?

I was awed and humbled that God would reach out to me in this way, and tried to keep that message in mind as I went back to work yesterday. It's hard to let go of worries, to really relinquish control and trust that everything will work out, though. I began worrying again today -- seeing no future ahead of me, being out-paced by my peers in every field, never being satisfied with my career progression. I was on the cusp of really working myself into feeling hopeless and sorry for myself when I spotted a link on my Facebook newsfeed. A girl I hadn't spoken to since high school had posted a link to her sister's blog. I don't know either girl very well at all, but I clicked on the link anyway. And what was the first thing that caught my eye on her blog?

No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and Money.

Coincidence? Or another gentle reminder that I should not worry so much because God will provide for me? I don't know. But I think these things happened in too close a proximity to be ignored. It's not easy, but I am going to try to not worry so much and trust in His plan for me. My career path will work itself out. And, hopefully, somewhere down the line, it will help to strengthen my faith. I have so much trouble with belief, but I want to, so bad.